


Purity is for Morons, Not Ninjas

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [19]
Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, F/M, Kaguya permanently sealed, Loosely connected snips, M/M, Multi, No Zetsu, Rambly af crack, This isn't a 'everyone sleeps with everyone' fic, Uzushio wasn't all benign as canon portrays, Weird clan customs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2019-08-20 04:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16548677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: What if the powerful clans were starkly aware of the dangers of inbreeding and were more concerned about it than strict bloodline purity crap?Like, really concerned. Enough so that the Hyuuga adopt any orphans they can get their hands on because no one will consent to marrying into the branch families because they don’t want their children sealed. Enough so the Uchiha regularly make secondary contracts with someone outside the clan to bear them each a half-blooded child, along with the full-blooded children they have with their spouses. Enough so that any orphans or unwanted children that the Hyuuga don’t get to first are snatched up promptly by other clans. Enough so that the Senju, while most are not as powerful anymore are still a force to be reckoned with instead of teetering on the brink of extinction.The Uzumaki weren't actually all that nice and were using control seals on strong enemy ninja so they switched loyalties and brought their strong chakra bloodlines with them. And the Uzumaki weren't so much wiped out as the adults were and the kids kidnapped. Naruto’s actually safer as a Namikaze than as an Uzumaki.





	1. Snips and fails and Konoha nin tales

**Author's Note:**

> The Gedo Mazo and Zetsu don’t exist. Kaguya is sealed permanently.
> 
> Plot? What plot? At _annny_ rate~ Yeah, all I wanted to write was a purple haired Itachi existing. Things just evolved from there. More things might evolve. Or might not. No promises.
> 
> Not edited.

_Naruto, 8 years old…_

“Ne, Uchiha-san, are you adopted?” Naruto asks curiously. Sasuke’s older brother’s candy purple hair and pale blue eyes reminds him more of Sakura-chan than Sasuke’s dark eyes and black hair.

Sasuke promptly scowls at him. “Nii-san’s not adopted!”

“Then how come his hair is different?”

Sasuke’s brother chuckles and crouches down so they’re at eye-level. “I’m not adopted. My hair color is different because my father is not the same as Sasuke’s father.”

“Why? Did your mom remarry? Does that mean you’re not Clan heir?”

“No, Naruto. It is custom in many clans that those with strong bloodlines must have a child with someone outside the clan as well as the person in the clan that they marry. In my case, I am still Clan heir even though I have a different father, because I am older.”

“Liar! Nee-chan is older than you, nii-san!”

Sasuke’s brother reaches out and flicks his forehead chidingly.

“What do you mean?” Naruto asks in confusion, not really understanding why Sasuke’s nii-san is claiming to be the oldest if he’s not or about this bloodlines thing.

“Saa, my foolish little brother is correct. I should have used the word stronger, not older. In clans like ours, the children are assessed at age five for things such as chakra ability, physical and mental strength, and intelligence and leadership abilities. The child that tests highest in the areas that their particular clan values most is selected as heir. In my case, I tested higher in chakra, physical ability and intelligence than our nee-san, so I am heir. But between nee-chan and our otouto, nee-chan would have been selected, even though Sasuke has higher chakra capacity than either of us and Sasuke and nee-chan have similar intelligence, because nee-chan is more stable mentally and has better leadership abilities.”

“Oh.” Naruto’s not quite sure he understands, but he _thinks_ Sasuke’s nii-san means the Uchiha value mental skills more than physical skills. “What’s ‘stable mentally’ mean?”

He kind of expects Sasuke’s nii-san to get all mad at him like a lot of adults do when he asks questions, even if they tolerate him mostly cuz his dad was the Fourth Hokage.

Instead, he smiles gently and ruffles Naruto’s hair, ignoring Sasuke’s pout. “It means she doesn’t get as upset as easily and when she does, she still makes better decisions than Sasuke does when he’s upset. I believe your mother’s clan selected heirs on chakra capacity and ability with seals rather than considerations like mental stability, ne?”

Naruto blinks at him. Of course everyone knows about his father, but his father hadn’t had a clan and he’s never heard anything about his mother other than she was strong, loved ramen, and had a hot temper and red hair. “My mother’s clan?”

“Saa…I’m not supposed to talk about that. I’m sorry. I had thought the Hokage would have told you by now. You can ask him, but remember it’s a secret and you can’t tell others.”

His eyes widen in surprise. “Okay, Sasuke’s nii-san.”

Blue eyes smile at him in warm amusement. “You can call me Itachi, Naruto.”

Naruto beams at him. “Okay, Itachi-chan!”

Then his brain catches up with his words and he slaps both hands over his mouth, because he _knows_ Itachi will be mad at him using the girl-version endearment instead of the normal suffix. Even if it was an _accident_.

Itachi chuckles, ignoring Sasuke puffing up like an offended chicken. “Or Itachi-chan.”

Sasuke deflates, looking confused.

Naruto lowers his hands from his mouth and smiles tentatively at Itachi. “You’re not mad? It’s just your hair reminds me of candy and flowers. It’s so _pretty._ ”

“No, I don’t mind, because you don’t mean anything bad by it. Thank you for the compliment.”

“Ne…you’re welcome, Itachi-chan.” He beams at the purple-haired older boy. “Thank you for not being mad.”

He ignores Sasuke’s squawk of irritation and Itachi flicking Sasuke’s forehead again.

_Asking Jiji about his mom’s clan is really important, and he’s gonna do that **right away**!_

~

“Your mother’s clan…” Jiji sighs and smokes a little before setting down his pipe. “I’ll tell you their name once you graduate from Academy, but for now, I’ll tell you a bit about them. You would be in a lot of danger should someone realize that you are related to your mother’s clan. It is fortunate that you look so much like your father and have his coloring, because there are few clans with red hair like your mother and it was, while not predominate, rather common among the clan.”

“Pre- Pre-dom-in-ut?”

“I mean, it was not the main hair color in the clan.”

“Oh.”

“Your mother’s clan, while powerful allies, were regarded with fear by many. If they defeated powerful enemy ninjas, they would use their skills with seals and force them to change loyalties. They would then marry them, so they would have stronger children. Many resented and feared losing their strongest ninjas to your mother’s clan, not to mention that her clan could use seals in battle with the same skill any ninja might use an exploding tag. Your mother was very typical of her clan, in that she had vast amounts of chakra and great skill in using the sealing arts. She married your father, who was also a very strong shinobi and skilled in the sealing arts.”

Naruto winces. “Does that mean mom made dad marry her?”

“No, I assure you that is not the case. Your father admired her from a young age and even rescued her when she was kidnapped. He tried very hard to impress her for several years after that before she decided that she liked him.”

“Um. Jiji? Does that mean I’m a Namikaze? Or do I belong to my mother’s clan? Cuz Itachi-chan’s mother is Uchiha, and he’s the Uchiha Clan heir, but his dad isn’t Uchiha, and he said lots of clans do that.”

“Hm.” Jiji picks up his pipe and smokes for a while before answering. “I suppose that’s up to you, Naruto. Technically, your mother’s clan was destroyed when she was a child, though she was safe here at the time. In practice, though, we know many of the children your mother’s age or younger were actually stolen and forced into other clans. Even some older ones were. Rather than trying to steal the clan’s techniques, a thousand years’ worth of scrolls about sealing were destroyed out of fear, but no one wanted to see the bloodline disappear when they could use it to their benefit. Your mother _was_ of the main house, but was not part of the main family. However, it is unknown if any others of the main house survived, so you may well be the last descendant of the main house. When you are old enough, it is not beyond reasonability that you would be able to revive your mother’s clan. Remember before you make your decision, though, that your mother gave up her clan name for a reason when she married your father. She wanted her children to be safe. By reviving her clan name, you could well be putting your precious people in a great deal of danger.”

Naruto wonders if jiji sees the past in his pipe smoke sometimes, because his expression is very sad and solemn. “Okay, jiji. I’ll think real hard on it, cuz I don’t want my precious people hurt!”

Jiji smiles at him, still a bit sad, but less so now. “Excellent. I am very proud of you, Naruto.”

~

_Eight years later…_

“Stop staring at nii-san!” Sasuke punches Naruto irritably.

He rubs the spot idly. “But his hair is so pretty. Even prettier than Sakura-chan’s.”

“Well, you can’t have him! Or Sakura-chan, either. You’re _my_ boyfriend.”

Naruto turns and stares at Sasuke for a long moment. _And here he’d thought Sasuke just thought of him as a rather stupid teammate and barely tolerated rival._ “Oh.”

 _“‘Oh’!?_ What do you mean _‘oh’,_ dobe? Did you seriously _not know!?”_

“Eh-heh…er…” He scratches his neck sheepishly. “I thought you were just getting rid of the fangirls that were bugging you.”

Sasuke lets out a teakettle hiss of exasperation. “You’re _mine!_ You don’t get to marry anyone else or date them or anything like that. _Mine!”_

“Eh? But…I’ve got to revive my mother’s clan, you know?” He asks a little nervously. Sasuke is scary when he’s angry.

“Your _mother’s clan!?_ Since when does your dead _mother_ have a clan!?”

“Eh-heh-heh… Always? I mean, she was the last known Uzumaki. Er… But I’m going to do it under my father’s name, so…”

Sasuke stares at him in silence for a long time, then huffs and crosses his arms. “Fine. But you’re _marrying_ me. It’s not like I don’t understand clan obligations. I have those too. And Hinata can’t be one of your contracts. I don’t want to deal with _more_ clan squabbles over kekkai genkai. At least that won’t be a problem for us, since we’re both guys and you don’t _have_ a kekkai genkai.”

Naruto looks away. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s right.”

 _“Dobe_ … What are you hiding from me?” Sasuke asks testily, eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Er…I might have a kekkai genkai?” He blanches at Sasuke’s expression and flails nervously. “W-Well, I mean. The chakra thing isn’t just because I have Kurama. An-And the Uzumaki lived longer and were super good with fuuinjutsu, and I know they had more than one kekkai genkai in the clan, b-but the only one I might have is, um, my mother’s? C-Cuz I’m her son.”

“Hn.” Sasuke says direly.

“S-Sasuke? What are you thinking of?”

“I’m going to the library.” Sasuke answers after a moment, then promptly turns on his heel and shunshins away.

Incipient dread slithers down Naruto’s spine. _Sasuke going to the library can’t be good for anyone, particularly me._

 ** _Uchihas._** Kurama remarks in a grumble without really waking from his nap.

 _Oh, yeah. And if Sasuke pisses off Kurama again, **Naruto’s** the one who will have to put up with a grumpy fox._ He sighs deeply.

~

_Kakashi, age 20…_

Kakashi wriggles, then subsides with a sigh when a sharp elbow digs warningly into his back between the shoulder blades. He’d obviously doomed himself during the Kannabi Bridge mission when he’d saved Obito’s life not once, but twice in short succession. The second time by stubbornly dragging his badly damaged body out of the collapsed cave and back to Konoha. Since then Obito has claimed him as _his_ and taken over his life.

_Stupid, typical Uchiha._

“Bakakashi, you’re not thinking mean things about me again, are you?”

“Maa, maa, why would I do that?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re being punished and you hate being punished, so you always think mean thoughts?”

“Tch. Anko, help me, Obito’s picking on me again!”

Anko just laughs and keeps walking. Obito’s daughter peers over her shoulder and says, “Silly tou-san.”

Kakashi slumps. Normally that would be aimed at Obito, but she always calls _him_ that when Obito is ~~punishing~~ picking on him. “Even my own children are against me.”

The Uchiha had let the Hatakes claim Obito’s daughter because of Obito’s claim on _him_ after a genetic test had proved that the little girl hadn’t inherited the Uchiha kekkai genkai, though Obito’s obligatory child with an Uchiha was another matter and his son belonged to his Uchiha mother.

“You should expect that when you’ve done something as stupid as ending up in the hospital with chakra exhaustion again.” Obito tells him without sympathy.

“Maa, maa, it wasn’t that bad, and I only ended up there because you dragged me there.”

“Hn.” _Or in translation: I didn’t get one of the Sannin to cultivate you a new eye just for you to overuse it on a regular basis, bastard._ Obito could be notably Uchiha at the strangest times.

“Can’t I at least have an Icha Icha to read?”

“If you don’t shut up and rest, I’m going to _burn_ your collection.” Obito informs him sharply.

Kakashi winces and sulks silently. Obito _has_ gone through with that threat _twice_ so far. Replacing his precious collection isn’t _hard_ except for the signed copies, but…having to do so makes his heart hurt.

~

_Obito, age 14…_

Obito looks around Orochimaru’s secret lab with raised brows. It’s probably a good thing it was him and not Kakashi who found this. Everyone thinks _Obito_ is the bleeding-heart crybaby, but well, he’s an _Uchiha_. Kakashi on the other hand…well, he might not cry _tears_ , but he definitely can’t bear to see living things suffer. He might _allow_ it, if duty demands it, but well…he wouldn’t understand something like this, even if the children are clearly from other places given how fast the clans clear out the orphanage in Konoha.

“Well, well, if it isn’t the half-crippled Uchiha.”

He rolls his eyes at Orochimaru’s unsubtle hint of threat. “You should do something about this before someone else finds it. If _I_ can find it, so can anyone else. At least use older specimens, so you can claim they’re enemies.”

The snake Sannin looks briefly taken aback at his calm reaction. “Hm. And what brings you here, little Uchiha?”

“Tsunade said eyeballs can’t be regenerated. I think you can do it, though.”

An intrigued look crosses Orochimaru’s face. “It is not a line of research I have actively pursued. I believe it could be done, however. There is still an issue of genetic compatibility. I presume your request is on behalf of your Hatake teammate? And you wish to keep this from him until there is a viable success? I do not have access to his genetic material and any requests for such would be met with suspicion. If I use your genetic material instead, there is a good chance that his body would not be able to withstand the chakra demands of the sharingan.”

Obito grimaces, considering that. Unlike Rin, he doesn’t know much about the medical side of things, but if that’s the case, no wonder she had been reluctant and Kakashi had outright refused. And here he’d thought the objections were to him _losing_ an eye. Well, live and learn. Besides, Kakashi is _his_ now. None of the Uchihas will object to him giving Kakashi a sharingan, simply because of that. But he doesn’t want to cause Kakashi severe problems either.

“How about a mix of his genetics and mine? Could you do that? I can probably get you some of his genetic material without him noticing.”

Interest lights Orochimaru’s amber-gold eyes unnervingly. “You have a _curious_ mind. I can certainly try.” Then the man grimaces. “I suppose you have all sorts of clan restrictions on me experimenting beyond that.”

Obito cocks his head at the faintly bitter tone, then shakes his head. “Not really. Though of course, I’ll have to claim any actual children that result from either bloodline. I do not believe either of us could afford to have you caught experimenting on children from Konoha clans.”

Orochimaru grimaces again. “I suppose you do have a point. Very well. I will accept that condition.”

He gives the man his lopsided smile. “Well, there’s nothing saying you can’t expand your own clan as well, once you know how.”

The snake Sannin stills, unnerving interest in his eyes again. “A _very_ curious mind.”

Obito takes that to mean he thinks it’s a great idea, and counts it as a win. “Oh, but if you have any Kaguya clan samples laying around, avoid using that. It has a habit of inducing insanity when mixed with other clans. Madara’s mother was a Kaguya, you know. Truly a tragedy given how peace-loving the man was.”

 _“Fascinating.”_ Orochimaru hisses darkly, but Obito can see he’s taken the warning seriously.

He smiles again, then gives a little wave. “Well, I have to get back before Kakashi and Rin start a manhunt for me.”

~

_Tsunade, age 39, just days before acting on her conviction to leave Konoha…_

“Orochimaru…whose baby is this?” Her tone is suspicious, but Orochimaru and young children…well. It’s unlike her teammate to randomly dump an unknown child in her arms, particularly one that can only be weeks old at most.

To her surprise, Orochimaru gives her an earnest, almost shy, smile. “Well, remember those genetic samples you and Dan gave a while back?”

“What?” She gives the child a wide-eyed look and uses chakra to gently check. _Yes, that feels like Dan’s and Senju genetics mixed, but…_ “But those were just skin and blood samples, Orochi, not sperm or ova.”

“Yesss, well… As it turns out, all you need to create sperm or ova are skin cells and an interesting several-step process of chakra and chemicals. Theoretically, one could also _clone_ someone from skin cells, but… Well. Nawaki’s samples were destroyed after his death, at your father’s request, so I did not pursue that. I’m…sorry, Tsunade. I wish that were possible.”

Old grief hits at her, but with Dan’s and her child in her arms, it can’t really send her into depression for more than a moment. “This is…genius, Orochimaru, but how did you manage it with such small samples? There wasn’t enough for extensive testing, as I recall.”

“Saa, I’ve been working on a project for young Obito and the process was a mere step necessary for growing his teammate a new eye. Er… I would like you to oversee the transplant for that in a few weeks, by the way, as I’m not as… _secure_ in my skills in that area as I am with yours. However, when I came up with the process, I thought of you and I may have borrowed the samples without strictly asking permission first. I’d prefer if that didn’t get back to sensei, if you please.” Orochimaru flushes slightly, sounding a bit embarrassed.

Her arms tighten around the child, _her child, Dan’s child,_ and she gives him a teary smile. “For this, Orochi? I’ll cover you both about that and your project with young Obito, which I suspect you have even _less_ permission to be doing.”

Orochimaru’s flush darkens, but he looks very pleased with himself. _Understandable, given he’s done what even I thought was impossible._

~

_Kakashi, age 15…_

He pouts, not understanding why Obito has dragged him, _once again,_ to the hospital to have his non-existent eye checked on. It’s not as if they can grow him a new one. Tsunade has already said so many times. _The idiot Uchiha has gotten stupidly overprotective of him since he made the mistake of dragging the idiot home so he could be fixed. Like he needs an idiot to take care of him? Not in this lifetime._

Then Tsunade stalks into the room and he wisely doesn’t complain when she tells him to close his good eye and let her look at his empty one. Arguing with Tsunade never turns out well.

He feels the glow/hum of medical chakra then flinches as something is pressed into his socket. _They better not have given him some dead person’s eye just to prove they can._ The sensation of medical chakra persists for a few more moments, then stops and Tsunade’s hands move away.

“There. Now open your eyes and tell me how well you can see.”

Kakashi obeys, then flinches as half his vision is filled with a jumble of images. After a few blinks, though, the images sort themselves out to a sharp clarity that makes him feel dizzy before settling down to the same as his good eye. “Please tell me you didn’t rob a corpse for an eye? I can see fine out of both eyes.”

Tsunade gives him an offended, exasperated look. “What good would a corpse’s eye do you? Of course we didn’t.”

“We?”

“At your teammate’s request, my teammate Orochimaru and I collaborated on research to see if an eye could be grown indirectly from skin cells. After two years of experiments, a successful result was obtained, which is your current new eye.”

Kakashi eyes her, wondering why Tsunade is lying about collaborating, but decides it’s probably because she doesn’t want him to fuss over research Orochimaru had done behind her back and that he doesn’t really care anyways, as long as the eye isn’t taken from an enemy or a corpse. “Okay.”

She gives him an irritated look. “Be more grateful, brat. Also, let me know immediately if you have any issues with your sharingan, though it looks to be working properly.” Then she sweeps out of the room before he can reply.

He stiffens and turns slowly to stare darkly at Obito. _“Sharingan!?”_

“Well, what did you expect? You _need_ a sharingan to perfect that stupid chirpy jutsu of yours. I even got him to adapt it to your bloodline, so you can turn it off when you aren’t using it. Though I don’t know why Tsunade said they collaborated. Maybe cuz she’s the one to transplant it?”

Kakashi stares at him until he realizes that nothing he can do is going to make Obito guilty about going behind his back on this. He groans. “Your clan is going to kill _both_ of us!”

“Um. No they won’t. Cuz you’re _mine_ , therefore the eye is still in my possession, even if technically it’s your eye not mine.”

He knows very well that _Uchiha logic_ and _Obito logic_ do not necessarily coincide. “I’m going to laugh in your face when they disagree, because I deserve a good laugh before I die by way of pissed off Uchihas.”

Obito just pats his head. “There, there, Kakashi. Quit worrying. I’ll take care of you.”

 _“That’s_ what I’m worried about.” He grumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn’t clear, Obito’s laying on Kakashi to make him stay put, since he’s not badly hurt, just experiencing chakra exhaustion still.
> 
> It was thought that Madara’s going insane (after his wife’s death in childbirth) was due to his mother being from the Kaguya clan. His mother was his father’s legal wife, but since inbreeding is not a particularly new concern for clans, only his youngest brother was a full-brother (one of the three who died in the feud with the Senju), and he was closest to Izuna who was next in age to him and a full-blooded Uchiha.  
> Izuna died young, but not at the hands of the Senju, and left a sickly daughter behind. Despite efforts to cure her disease, she died at age 10. A rare disease, the shinobi world still has not found a cure for it and no treatment has yet to extend life more than a couple years beyond normal expectancy after onset. There is significant debate on whether it is genetic in origin or not, since there is no evidence of it being either inheritable or contagious. It only occurs in chakra-active families.  
>  _(Think of it as a chakra auto-immune disease, where the chakra turns on itself in an aggressive and always terminal conclusion. It is triggered by activating one’s chakra in a useable fashion, thus it doesn’t trigger in the civilian population and appears to not occur to begin with among civilians because of this lack of triggering. Normal lifespan after triggering is 1-3 years. With Konoha’s best healers trying to keep her alive, Izuna’s daughter lasted six years and her quality of life was better than the average victim’s. It’s caused by the expression of a recessive gene widely scattered throughout human genetics, but with an extremely low rate of expression.)_  
>  Izuna’s death occurred shortly after Madara’s and was attributed to grief induced recklessness on a mission, which caused a change in Konoha policy regarding recently bereaved Uchihas, removing them from active duty until cleared by a Yamanaka psychiatrist.
> 
> Itachi’s hair is candy purple because his bio father is Sakura’s dad’s older half-brother (deceased).  
> Because Itachi is heir, he has the option of marrying Sasuke’s half-sister (since she and Itachi are technically not siblings by blood and it would unite the two bloodlines of their respective Uchiha parents) or choosing another Uchiha female, though if he takes that option, he’ll be expected to marry a full-blooded Uchiha. If he _does_ choose to marry someone outside the clan, there has to be good political or bloodline inheritance reasons to convince the clan to allow it without severe opposition.  
> The practice is more common in some clans than others, but in most cases the heirs tend to take the option that doesn’t involve marrying someone they grew up with regarding as a sibling. Of course, in the case of full-blooded heirs (such as if Sasuke were chosen instead), there is no ‘marry your not-sibling’ option, since they would be half-siblings instead.  
> Cuz I’m lazy, he probably ends up with Izumi as his wife, though he may be a little disappointed that Sasuke decided to lay claim on Naruto early on in their ‘rivalry’.
> 
> Why did Sasuke get possessive so early on? Well, there were two kidnapping attempts and one assassination attempt on Naruto while they were still in Academy, because of his father’s legacy/reputation. Naruto cried all over him after the first attempt at kidnapping, and well, Uchihas are really bad about getting possessive of people or things if someone tries to take them. _“That’s mine! You scared/hurt/etc. him/her/it, so SUFFER or better yet DIE!”_ And yessss…I believe that conception of the super possessive Uchiha probably dates back somewhat loosely to an open concept of blackkat’s or Reader93's, for those of you who recognize it.
> 
> Also, Sakura doesn’t like Sasuke because he’s sort of her close cousin. Actually not blood-related, but as the family heiress, an Uchiha isn’t an option for her anyways. The Haruno clan, while small, does inheritance by way of the legal wife, even if the other children are stronger, which was the case with Sakura’s (deceased) uncle, who was a tokubetsu jounin at the time of his death.
> 
> So yeah, Tsunade didn’t leave Konoha to be an infamous drunk/gambler, and Orochimaru ended up changing some things in his research and not going crazy or defecting, and when Danzo tried to spread rumors about the Uchiha in the wake of the Kyuubi’s rampage (which, I’m handwaving for now, cuz NO IDEA how that’d happen if Madara was actually dead and no Zetsu involved), people decided that he was nuts and looked into what agenda was pushing him and he and some cronies got executed instead and Konoha did its best to deprogram the victimized Ne, though it was not successful with all of them, unfortunately.


	2. Restrictions, Icha Icha, and Libraries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippets... Orochimaru thwarts the Council and Danzo in particular. Kakashi discovers Icha Icha. Sasuke goes to the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Er, well, at least they survived? Which is a cut over the original fic that demanded attention, got trashed, and came back in a different slightly less awkward format, but is definitely not worth sharing. I've been writing so much fanfic/present tense this year that writing in past tense took me a while to remember how to do properly. Soooo stilted as a result.  
> Anyways~ You all have SectorDweller to thank for talking me through my moping so you get a full chapter instead of half a chapter, cuz I was fucking whiny. And then it snowed. Like six inches. Which would be fine if I didn't despise the cold.

_Orochimaru, age 39…_

“Sensei, you wanted something?”

The Hokage looks up with a start from his giggling and tucks away that idiot Jiraiya’s latest book, surreptitiously wiping away a mild nosebleed. “Ah, Orochimaru. Yes, yes. It was brought to my attention that you have developed a way to create offspring from dead shinobi with merely a skin sample?”

Orochimaru’s eyes narrow, seeing where this is going, since the discussion didn’t start with Tsunade’s daughter. “No, the technology will not be made available to those with large clans or those who can have children in the normal manner. It would take someone of Tsunade’s level to master it, and we both have better things to do than play assembly line for spoiled clans and civilians.”

“Ah.” Sensei folds his hands and looks pseudo-solemn. “Well, the Council will be disappointed to hear that.”

Which translates to: _I think that’s an excellent restriction._

He has a sudden thought. Danzo is on the Council, and while Orochimaru has heeded the young Uchiha’s suggestion, he wouldn’t put it above the man to discredit him in order to gain control of the technology. Much like… _Well, well, isn’t that interesting?_ But unlike the Uchiha, he is the last of his clan and does not have extensive social contacts. Rumors about him would be much more easily believed. “Sensei, I have a confession.”

~

_Kakashi, age 13…_

“I don’t sell those to underage brats.”

Kakashi looks from the garish cover to the store owner. “I’m a legal adult.”

Which is fairly obvious, given he’s wearing his jounin gear despite being restricted to in-village missions for the time being because of his compromised vision.

“Doesn’t matter. I can’t be seen selling those to someone under 16.”

 _Seen, eh?_ Thoughtfully, he henges into Minato sensei. “Does this work?”

The store owner splutters a little bit, before grabbing Kakashi’s money and shoving the book towards him. “Fine! Get out of here, brat.”

 _Hmmn._ He makes a mental note to always henge before taking a book up to the counter, and in deference to the civilian’s worries, waits an entire block before dropping the henge and cracking open the book to see what about it makes it bad enough that the shopkeeper is unwilling to be seen selling it to anyone under civilian legal age.

~

_Sasuke or Naruto, age 9…_

Sasuke gapes as a grown ninja swoops out of nowhere and snatches up Naruto midsentence. Then he realizes Naruto’s stupidly blue eyes are wide with fear and the ninja isn’t wearing a _Konoha_ hitai-ate.

“Hey, give him back! You don’t belong here!”

The ninja doesn’t hesitate, only tosses him an amused look before taking off with Naruto.

Staring after them as frustration boils up, a moment later Sasuke screams with all the rage-filled volume he can manage. _That was a jounin, and I’m too weak, too small to keep up even._ It’s horrible, to be so helpless that he can’t even save one idiotic classmate. He’s an _Uchiha_. He’s supposed to be _better than this!_

“What happened?”

Sasuke blinks at the silver haired man who looks like he stuck his finger in a light socket and has a scar cutting through the skin of the lid of one eye, as if he’d come close to losing it. He doesn’t know him, and he looks kind of…lazy, but there’s an intent glint in his dark grey eyes, as if he understands Sasuke’s rage isn’t over something minor. “Naruto! He took him!”

The man straightens sharply and Sasuke feels a strong flux of chakra for a moment. “Right. Tell whoever comes what you saw. Which direction?”

Still shaking with rage, Sasuke uncurls one hand enough to point shakily in the direction the kidnapper had disappeared with Naruto. _“Bring him **back**!”_

The man disappears so quickly that Sasuke almost doubts he was there.

Others come and he tells them what happened. Some go after the intruder, others spread out to check for other intruders, at least one goes to inform the Hokage of the issue. But Sasuke…

_Sasuke waits._

Eons pass. People try to move him. He refuses to be moved an inch. Time is all wonky. Both fast, so so fast, and interminably sluggish.

He has no idea how much time has passed when the silver haired man reappears with a shaken looking Naruto in his arms and carefully hands him down to Sasuke. Naruto hugs him, clinging and shaking, seeping silent tears against his shoulder, and all Sasuke can do is helplessly hold him in return.

“Maa, maa, Sasuke-kun. Don’t look like that. If you want the kidnapper’s head, you’ll have to wait until T&I is done with him. And even then you might have to fight with your cousin Obito for it. Naruto’s father was our sensei, you know.”

Naruto shudders against him and clings tighter, so Sasuke shakes his head. “I don’t want his head. I just want him _dead_. He had _no right_ to touch or take Naruto. _No right!”_

The man slouches back into his lazy posture. “Saa, good job on alerting us so he didn’t get outside of Konoha. Not attacking him was smart. He killed three ANBU guards, and he likely would have killed you without hesitation if you’d attacked him. Staying alive so you could pass on information and be there when your friend was rescued was the best thing you could have done.”

Sasuke’s breath hitches at the information. _Three ANBU dead!_ ANBU are supposed to be the strongest. He doesn’t think this man is ANBU, but how dangerous is he to have gone after a man who had _killed three ANBU_ and come back without a scratch? He opens his mouth to ask more questions, but the man disappears again, this time leaving a twirling leaf in his wake.

Annoyed, he awkwardly pats Naruto’s back until the silent tears stop and the shaking eases off.

_How dare that man!? Naruto was not- not- Naruto belonged here, where he could smile his stupid smile and play pranks on people. Naruto was- was-_

_Never again._

_Next time he’ll be able to do something, not just watch helplessly._

He needs to be _stronger. Naruto is not something to be…just taken!_

Well, it doesn’t matter. He’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again. If some lazy weirdo can be stronger than ANBU, so can he!

~

_Kakashi, age 13…_

“What is _that?”_

He doesn’t bother looking up at the idiot, continuing to read. “A romance with a rather good plot. _Obviously.”_

“Oh! Is that the newest Icha Icha?” Rin exclaims. “Can I read it when you’re finished? I haven’t been able to get my hands on a copy of it yet, since that grumpy store owner won’t sell to anyone under sixteen.”

Kakashi looks up at her briefly. “Yes. And henge older, he’ll sell. He just doesn’t want to be _seen_ selling to people under 16.”

Surprise plasters itself across Rin’s face, then she lights up. “Thanks, Kakashi-kun! I’ll go get my own copies so I don’t need to borrow yours!”

She turns and practically runs out the door. He goes back to reading.

“You-! That-! That-! _You’re reading porn!_ And corrupting Rin!” Obito practically screeches.

Kakashi finally looks up at him, mostly to see how red his face is, which is _very_ and both hands are tugging at his hair, which at least means his therapy is having results for his bad arm to be working that well. _Good._ He rolls his eye at Obito. “And what of it?”

“You-! You-! _You can’t!”_

“Oh, I assure you I can. _‘Mei pressed closer to him, her heaving breasts-'”_

Obito claps his hands over his ears, looking agonized. “Stop! Stop! Why would you even _read_ something like that?”

_Oh, that._

Kakashi sighs and waits until Obito cautiously uncovers his ears. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Whatever _you_ think of my father, the rest of the village regards him as little better than a traitor, and I’m a jounin not allowed out of the village because of my _visual disability_. This is quite likely the closest I’ll ever get to romance or even sex. And _also_ , the book has a well-designed plot, which is harder to find in fiction than you’d believe.”

Obito splutters. “But- But what about Rin? She likes you.”

“No.” He goes back to reading his book. “She has better sense than to tie herself to someone like me, and she’s not the type for something casual.”

He can almost _hear_ the creak and sizzle as rusty thought gears and poorly maintained logic circuits struggle as the older boy fights to comprehend and to think of a reply.

“Don’t worry, Kakashi, that won’t be a problem!”

Kakashi looks up in alarm at Obito’s bright tone and promptly kawarimi’s out of the room as he spots Obito’s beaming _‘great idea’_ face. _He **really** does not want to know what the idiot’s come up with this time._

~

_Sasuke, age 16…_

“Uzumaki section.” He demands.

The librarian arches an eyebrow, but apparently realizes that he is a jounin, so merely gives him directions before adding, “That’s the publically available works. If you want to read more, you need to get permission from the collection holder first. And no, the collection holder’s name is not available to the public.”

Sasuke makes an easy leap in logic and turns to Naruto, who has predictably followed him despite considering the library a bane. “Dobe, tell him you give me permission.”

Naruto’s eyes widen in surprise. “Me? Um, right. Is it okay if I give Sasuke permission to look at the private collection, Librarian-san?”

The man sniffs and adjusts his glasses. “Very well, I will record that Sasuke Uchiha has the collection holder’s permission to access the Uzumaki collection. Will that be just the first vault or the second as well?”

Sasuke intervenes before Naruto fries his brain trying to think. “The first vault should be fine for now. If I need further access, I’ll drag him in here to give it then.”

The man gives him a dry look for some reason, then asks, “And what shall I list your relation to the collection holder as?”

_Apparently Naruto is not the only dense one._

“Fiancé.”

Blinking rapidly a few times, the man gives an almost apologetic cough, “You do realize that putting that down on a public record such as this makes it quasi-legal, and if it is not your intention to carry through you will have to legally dissolve it before entering any other sort of marriage or engagement contract?”

Sasuke crosses his arms. “Good. It’ll give my father something to throw in the elders’ faces when they decide to put up a fuss over it.”

“Indeed.” An amused smirk flits over the man’s lips for a moment before he defaults back to his more professional expression.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Naruto flails. “Teme, are you going to get in trouble with your clan if I m- if we get m- Um. If we stay together?”

“Tch. They have Itachi for heirs, and it’s not like I won’t fulfill clan duty about children, so the elders can stuff their expectations in a paper boat and float it down the Naka River. It’s nothing for you to worry about, dobe. Or do you think I’m incapable of dealing with my own clan?”

“Er… No? I mean, of course you’re not incapable.”

“Hn.” _So maybe his reply is a little overflowing with smug self-satisfaction._

Naruto droops slightly. “Fine, I won’t worry about it. Why do you want to look at the Uzumaki stuffs anyways?”

“It’s somewhere to start, now isn’t it?” He refrains from laughing when Naruto just looks more confused. _Well, he’ll explain it later, away from curious ears._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s right, Orochimaru helped Danzo screw himself over there.
> 
> You can thank SectorDweller for wanting to know how buying Icha Icha was for Kakashi.
> 
> Sasuke, don’t worry, you’ll figure out those amorphous feelings soon enough.
> 
> I think there was supposed to be some stabbing in this scene _(sadly there is none)_ , but it turned out that Rin likes Icha Icha _(who knew?)_ and Obito went from just sort of taking over Kakashi’s life to deciding to do it properly.  
> Kakashi, not knowing isn’t going to spare you the outcome. Sorry~
> 
> Naruto _might_ be having a little trouble with the M word there. Haha. And you can thank Merllis for wanting to know why Sasuke was headed to the library. Sasuke wanted to know what customs and traditions the Uzumaki had, so he and Naruto could decide which ones to keep or not keep, and have a place to start for new traditions for the Namikaze clan-to-be. He also knows he can point at Obito for clan precedent _(it’s happened historically, too)_ , so he’s not very concerned about the elders, other than how to make them froth at the mouth over the whole thing.  
>  _(So maybe I have a little trouble picturing Sasuke growing up as a nice guy even with a lack of deliberately inflicted trauma. Oh well~)_


	3. Index, Vault, Drinks and Document

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru is intrigued, Naruto is surprised, Kakashi is clueless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last week was...long and exhausting. Then I helped my mom and cousin organize freezers. You have no idea how surprised I was to see that my small bits of writing finally hit close enough to 2k on this chapter to actually post it tonight.

_Orochimaru, age 40…_

Orochimaru is well aware that someone is waiting to ambush him, but really, the fact that the Aburame Clan head is waiting in plain sight by his lab means that there’s an extremely low probability of hostile intentions. As he unlocks the door, he thinks about ignoring the man, but the Aburame are the least annoying of the four noble clans, and if Shinsaku is here to discuss what he _presumes_ he is, the Aburame are a small enough clan that hearing him out might have a bit of merit. _Not, mind you, that he **needs** Aburame samples, or even really **wants** them, but the political fuss could get…vexing should he refuse to even listen to those who do not fall outside the restrictions he has stated on use of the technology._ At least Aburame are polite enough to back off if he gives them a good reason _after_ listening to them, should their request _not_ fall within those restrictions.

“Shinsaku-san, what brings you to my door?”

“I, or rather the Aburame clan, would like you to listen to a proposition of ours. Why? Because we have thought of something in regards to your new technology that you may not have thought of, and we wish to get your approval before putting it before the Hokage.”

 _Well, that’s a new approach_. “Very well. Come in. Although if this is a waste of my time, I shall be displeased.”

The Aburame Clan head inclines his head slightly. “I shall do my best to not waste your time, Orochimaru-san.”

~

_A few minutes later…_

“A genetic index?”

“Yes. Why? Because shinobi bloodlines are a precious resource of Konoha and even large clans can be reduced to a single surviving member or wiped out due to wars and accidents. It could also serve other purposes, such as determining a child’s parentage or tracking disease markers through bloodlines. The samples required for your technique would be the basic requirements, with individuals or clans choosing to give further samples if they so wish. Further samples, of course, would reduce the necessity of relying on your technique alone to maintain sufficient diversity of shinobi bloodlines. We believe that the common necessity of such an index is far more likely to be accepted if you agree to be in charge of it, given the recent interest in your innovative technique.”

Orochimaru is reluctantly impressed. Both at such a lengthy reply from an Aburame and the thought that has gone into it. It actually _does_ sound like an intriguing project, and the clans that have been so bothersome about trying to get him to use the technology at their demand are far more likely to comply if they think there’s a chance that doing so could result in his acquiescence to their demands. A vain hope, but…

“You mean to use me and my technique as bait.”

“That is correct.” Shinsaku agrees calmly.

“And you brought this to me first to allow me to lay out my demands in return ahead of time.”

“Also correct. It is not our intent to place you in an untenable position. As well, we would like to request that you pass on the technique at some point to two apprentices of your choice, so that the technique can be kept for Konoha’s benefit. We do not care whom you choose, as long as you judge them to be competent and sufficiently loyal to Konoha.”

_Orochimaru is fairly sure that Shinsaku has exhausted his quota of speaking for the next three months at this point._

“I see.” He considers that, then nods slowly. “That does seem a reasonable request. Very well, I agree to allow you to use me as bait in this instance. However, I believe the Civilian Council and clans will be more satisfied if they believe that they have been able to coerce my into the condition of taking two apprentices to pass the technique to. It will give me leeway in forcing them to agree to my conditions. I would also like a couple weeks to consult with Tsunade and come up with the necessary conditions to keep them from incessantly wasting my time before you bring it up to others.”

Shinsaku gives another faint nod. “I agree to this. Why? Because your reasoning is logical and sound. The Aburame clan will bring other requests to the table, but it is up to you whether or not you choose to accept them.”

“The warning is appreciated.”

~

_Naruto, age 16…_

He traces a finger over the line of Sasuke’s spine, surprised idly that Sasuke does not turn to glower at him, or tell him to stop. But maybe that’s okay now that they’re fiancés?

 _If that’s the case…_ Well, he’ll luxuriate in the privilege.

Unlike most people, even casual touches have been rare in his life, only allowed by a few he can call true friends, and even among them more intimate casual gestures outside of pranks or traumas would’ve been looked at with askance. He knows very well that even though time and caution has worn over the village’s reactions, because there aren’t many in a shinobi village who are unaware of the dangers of drawing the wrath of a ninja of his abilities, many civilians and some ninjas still look at him and sometimes see a demon in human form, just awaiting the chance to destroy their safety and loved ones once again.

Sasuke doesn’t seem to mind, not even twitching after the first touch. At least until his hand moves lower without any real thought, tracing over the curve of his ass.

“I am _not_ going to fuck you in a dusty vault full of priceless, irreplaceable scrolls.” Sasuke says sharply without looking up from the scroll he’s focused on. “And if you make me come in my pants, I’ll make sure you’ll regret it later.”

Naruto jerks back as if burned at the tone. Then blinks a few times as he processes the words. _Sasuke finds that arousing?_ But he knows Sasuke will carry through on the threat, so he keeps his hand to himself. “But I’m _bored_. There’s nothing to do down here.”

“You could try reading some of the scrolls yourself.” Sasuke’s tone is acid.

“I would if I had any clue what you’re _looking for!”_ So what if he’s whining? Sasuke is being a tight mouthed bastard. As usual. No. _Worse than usual_. At least he usually got a ‘hn’ to go off of as a clue to Sasuke’s thoughts.

Sasuke lifts his head to give him a flat look that makes him feel like the kind of idiot that he usually calls him. “You want to rebuild your mother’s clan. Thus you need to know the clan’s customs and specialties. Since you’re reviving it under your father’s name, you have the option of discarding customs you disagree with, however you need to know what they are before you can make use of that option. Otherwise you’re just randomly creating a new clan, not reviving your mother’s. So start looking.”

“Oh. Okay.” He says meekly, and reaches out randomly to grab one of the scrolls Sasuke has yet to go through. Which really, is easy, given Sasuke’s only gone through about three of the literal hundreds in the vault.

A few moments later, his ears slowly start flushing as he realizes he’s inadvertently grabbed a personal journal and the woman’s observations and speculations on her private married life make Pervy Sage’s stupid books look downright demure and restrained. The fact that he has to wake Kurama up and get him to translate a few words only makes it worse, since he now has the fox yipping in bass laughter at his embarrassment and adding _completely unnecessary_ commentary.

~

_Kakashi, age 14…_

He squints blearily at the pen Obito is holding out. Maybe he’s had a little too much sake. “Whazzat?”

“I need you to sh-sign d-this doc-u-ment.” Obito says carefully, obviously not fully sober himself.

“Why?”

“You’ve been avoish- avoi-ding dwealing wif your esh-state main-main- upkeep, righ’? Thish’ll let me do it for yous.” Obito explains in an earnest tone.

 _Which is probably suspect, given Obito’s not given to being observant._ He decides he doesn’t care. _If Obito wants the Hatake compound, he can have it._ It’s not like Kakashi wants it.

He takes the pen with exaggerated care, because he’s not entirely sure he’s seeing straight, then signs without further questions, pleased to see his signature doesn’t _look_ like he wrote it drunk. Shoving the pen at Obito, he refills his sake, feeling a bit more pleased at life. There’s _probably_ something he should be concerned about, but he can’t really bring himself to care. Though he does look up when Rin squeals and sees her waving some paper in Obito’s face. _Eh, life as normal._

“Kakashi, did you _really_ sign this willingly? He didn’t sharingan you or forge your signature, did he?”

Eyeing Rin blankly for a moment, he finally connects the paper to the thing Obito had just had him sign, and nods slowly. _Ah, right, a witness._ “I signed. See? It’s not even wobbly. If Obito wants it, I don’t mind. ‘Sides, he’s too stupid to ths-f- _think_ of forging my signature.”

Rin squeals again, this time more like she thinks he’s cute, then grabs the pen from Obito and signs with a flourish.

Obito looks vastly pleased with himself and tucks the paper away _verrrry_ carefully before wobbling back to his chair and missing his sake cup by an inch when he tries to refill it.

Kakashi helpfully nudges his hand over so he doesn’t waste the entire bottle on the table, then sips his own. It’s a pleasant flavor, kind of flowery. Too bad it’s not eggplant, though. That’s his favorite flavor ever. “They should make eggplant sake.” He opines solemnly.

He doesn’t understand why Rin groans, and next thing he knows, she’s hauling both him and Obito out of the bar. Realizing she’s not going to stop, he tosses back the rest of his sake and tosses the cup at a random shinobi who’s sorta close as they go through the door. Who doesn’t catch it. _Bad form, that._ But the curses as it bounces off his head and rolls across the floor are kind of interesting.

“Hatake, you brat! I’m gonna remember this!”

“Good. Your catching skills need a lot of improvement if you want to reach chunin.” Kakashi advises, unsure why Rin curses and yanks him out the door.

Obito is giggling on Rin’s shoulder. “Only you! Only you, Bakakakashi, wouldz schtell a jounin to improoze his skills so he can ret-reach chunin!”

“How did he reach jounin with genin level skills?” Kakashi wonders at this revelation. It’s truly baffling.

“The two of you better not pass out before we get to my house.” Rin half-snarls at them.

“‘Mnot _that_ drunk.” Obito protests.

“Why would I pass out? I can walk on my own, Rin.”

Rin just groans and drags them faster, ignoring the fact that Kakashi is _just fine_ and Obito’s whining at going so fast.

Rin’s mom looks surprised to see them, then amused when Rin says something to her that he doesn’t catch, and ushers him to a guest bedroom. He politely kicks off his sandals before crawling in. _Did he remember to thank her? Ah well, he’ll do it in the morning._ Someone else flops on the bed and he can hear Rin’s voice muttering what’s probably curses while the body gets situated awkwardly and covers are wrestled. _Rin’s been cursing a lot tonight. Maybe he should ask wh-_

Sleep cuts off the thought mid-word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru Tōken (sword)
> 
> Shinsaku Aburame: Shibi’s father
> 
> Let it be said that between Orochimaru and Tsunade on one side and the Aburame on the other, the clans and Council didn’t get nearly as much as they thought they did out of the political squabble and ended up conceding everything that the Aburame and Orochimaru were truly after. Of course there were a few who caught on, but they either saw the benefit and subtly helped or were amused enough to not interfere.
> 
> There is no intention to convey that the Uzumaki were a raunchy lot, just that Naruto happened to pick up the private journal of a particularly raunchy individual. It’s in with the other scrolls because she records, very meticulously, other things that are (or were) actually important in between the raunchy bits. I feel like he may end up tossing the scroll in Jiraiya’s face in annoyance at some point.  
> Also, Kurama translating is because the scroll is written in an older dialect with some archaic words that Naruto has no way of knowing.
> 
> Kakashi did not even _try_ to read the document. Other than to find the signature line. He’s assuming it’s a title transfer for the Hatake estate and couldn’t care less, because he has bad memories of his father’s disgrace and death connected to it. It’s not. It’s really _not_. Obito isn’t lying, but his choice of explanation was deliberately misleading. After all, being married _does_ generally allow one to take care of a spouse’s property for them.  
> Also, when Kakashi starts talking about liquor should be eggplant flavored, it’s a sign that he’s getting close to just keeling over, passed out. It’s a warning sign Rin appreciates, since Kakashi sounds and acts pretty sober right up until he just passes out. It gives her time to haul her two idiots to bed before they pass out in the bar and she has to get help dragging them home. Obito just gets slurring-drunk easily, particularly since the accident. He’s probably had only half of what Kakashi drank. Rin _does_ restrict his intake, since it isn’t great for someone still dealing with medical recovery to drink alcohol, but even with that, it’s hard to tell when he goes from ‘just a little drunk’ to ‘needs to stop immediately’ because he starts slurring early on.


	4. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi answers the door and his life is upended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See typos? Point 'em out. I'm lazy about editing, but not so lazy that I won't fix them.

_Kakashi, age 20…_

Kakashi ambles to the door to answer it because Anko’s busy, Obito’s asleep, and under no circumstances is their daughter allowed to answer the door until she’s at least six. He promptly shuts it again. Or, well, tries.

A paperwork ninja Kakashi vaguely recognizes as one of Orochimaru’s lab assistants shoves his foot in the door, preventing it from closing. He sounds exasperated. “I’m not here for you, Hatake. Just fetch your Uchiha to speak with me.”

He growls under his breath, because that is _clearly a lie_. Only _one_ of those six brats has black hair, and there’s simply _no way_ Obito fathered the silver-haired brats. _Which is an issue,_ since he has no recall of _making_ said Hatake brats, _nor_ of giving permission for them to be made. On the other hand…dragging Obito out of sleep to make him explain himself sounds like a _fantastic_ idea.

… …

Two hours later, Obito is _still_ whining about being dragged out of bed by his stupid hair, in between cooing over their, _their!,_ children. Anko is still randomly breaking into cackling fits. His ninken seem to be overtly enjoying the influx of new clan members. Rin is double checking that each child is healthy and problem-free, health wise. And Kakashi? Kakashi has his nose firmly buried in a tattered Icha Icha, and is refusing to come down from the top of the refrigerator until reality is restored to its proper place.

Because _him. Have kids. Hahahahahaha, no. No._

He does not have kids.

This is a particularly pernicious genjutsu that he has yet to be able to break out of. Or possibly a chakra exhaustion induced nightmare.

In no world does he have a four year old daughter whose other biological parent is _Obito._ In no reality did he _marry Obito at age 14 while thoroughly drunk and **not learn about it** until today!_

_Hahaha. Hah. No._

Okay, he can accept that Obito has a kid paired with some random bloodline because he gave Orochimaru blanket permission and the Snake Sannin was curious. But he most certainly does _not_ have four other biological kids as well, one with Obito like the oldest, and the other two by…well, his brain checked out at that point, so he really doesn’t know. But! _He most certainly doesn’t have them!_

“Tou-san.”

He peeks cautiously over the edge of his faithful, high-class literature at the impatient little voice.

“Yes, ojou-chan?”

“Kaa-san s’ill laughing, an’ silly tou-san bein’ silly, and _I’m hungry!”_ Anko’s daughter, Idzuki, stomps her foot daintily to express the outrage of this circumstance.

_Oh. Well. Cooking he can handle._

~

_Anko, age 18…_

The teacher looks between Anko and the silver haired girl beside her with a cautious expression. “I…didn’t realize you had a child with Hatake-san of this age, Mitarashi-san.”

She grins at him, deliberately showing her teeth. “Oh, she’s Obito’s, not mine. He had a contract for it with Orochimaru-sensei, you know. But they failed to inform Kakashi until yesterday and he’s still hiding on the refrigerator and refusing to acknowledge anyone except Idzuki, and Obito and Rin can’t be bothered to pry themselves away from the others, so it was left to me to bring Mishiro over for registration. Orochimaru-sensei certified that she passes all entry requirements, of course, but Mishiro here says she wants to take the tests, too. I need to go pick up some replacement supplies, so when do I come back?”

The poor man looks flabbergasted. “Er…five hours? That’s usually about what completing all the tests for the applicants takes. She is a Hatake, right?”

“Yup.” Anko shoves a small storage scroll containing Orochimaru-sensei’s notes on her academic capabilities at the man, who takes it on reflex. “See you in a while, Shiro-chan!”

She’d feel bad about shunshinning out of there, but she really doesn’t. Mishiro’s so much like Kakashi when they were younger that she wouldn’t be surprised if sensei just made a female clone of him and lied about her being half Obito’s. The brat can definitely take care of herself. As for the teacher…well, if he can’t take care of himself, he shouldn’t be a teacher, so she’s not going to worry about his survival.

~

_Mishiro, age 4…_

She sighs, annoyed that this sensei is _still_ staring after Anko. “Shiro-chan realizes that Anko-nee has really big breasts, but staring after her won’t make the breasts come back to you on their own.”

The sensei, who lives down to all sofu Oro’s muttered comments about the stupidity of the general ninja population, blinks slowly a few times, then chokes as her words finally register in his tiny brain and looks down at her with a scandalized expression. “I- What-? You-!”

Mishiro sighs again. “Shiro-chan has eyes. Can we go do the tests now? Sofu Oro said tou-san won’t let Shiro-chan have a ninken until Shiro-chan passes, and Obi kaa-san will cry if Shiro-chan doesn’t, so Shiro-chan would like to get to get the tests over with so she can make her tou-san and kaa-san and nee-chan proud.”

She politely ignores his spluttering until he remembers how to put coherent sentences together again. Academy is going to be tedious. Maybe she can graduate early like tou-san did? Sofu Oro says tou-san is smarter than she is, but the Academy made the graduation age stricter after so long without a war. Even _she_ should be able to graduate in _three_ years, even if it’s not one like tou-san managed.

…

Several hours later, Mishiro says sweetly, “Tou-san.”

Her tou-san peeks warily over the edge of his comfort book, eyeing her with clear suspicion.

“Shiro-chan passed the Academy test with top scores. Shiro-chan is hungry now. Also, Shiro-chan would like to ask tou-san if she can have a ninken now.”

He stares at her blankly, then half falls off the refrigerator, flailing and righting himself with a last minute grab at the top of the freezer door.

“Shiro-chan asks if tou-san is alright.”

“Saa… Do you always speak in third person?”

She blinks at him. “No. Sofu Oro says if Shiro-chan speaks like this to adults who are afraid of her, it will make them think she’s cute and like her more.”

 _‘Sofu Oro’_ she sees him mouth with an appalled expression, then shake his head.

“I think it’s best if you save that for confusing enemies or people you very much dislike.”

Mishiro contemplates that for a moment, then nods seriously. “Can you make me some food, tou-san? And can I get a ninken soon? Sofu Oro said I couldn’t ask you for one until after I got into the Academy. And I made sure I got really good scores so I can get a good ninken!”

“Saa…food is doable. As for a ninken, it might take some time. I can ask the Inuzuka if they are willing to let you look at their pups, but they may refuse. Ninken are only as good as their partners. You may want to think about what you want to use your ninken for before you choose one. Primarily, I use mine for tracking or running messages, but as a pack I can use them in combat.”

“Are your ninken Inuzuka dogs?”

“Not exactly.” He says uninformatively and opens the refrigerator. “Eggplant curry okay?”

Her eyes widen, because she’s never had _that_ before. “Yes, please. What kind of ninken are they, then, tou-san?”

“Orochimaru didn’t tell you? Boss rescued us all as orphan puppies and raised us himself.” Pakkun says from the vicinity of her knee, making her jump in shock.

“T-Tou-san did?”

“He sure did. Don’t rush it, kid. Boss isn’t going to disown you just because he’s going through a little denial.” Pakkun assures her in a gruff tone.

“Maa, maa, Pakkun, you’re making me sound all soft and squooshy.” Her tou-san protests, putting things on the counter neatly despite not pulling his head out of the fridge.

“Just your heart, Boss, just your heart. The rest of you is kind of boney. You should let the Akamichi feed you up more often.”

Tou-san makes a grumbling noise. “You should know by now that’s not going to make me gain weight, Pakkun. If you want a steak, just ask nicely. There’s no call to be mean.”

“Whatever you say, Boss. Mishiro-chan, have you washed your hands yet? He gets fussy about that, so it’s better to wash them before you sit at the table.”

She stifles a giggle and nods. “Yes. Sofu Oro’s fussy about it too. He says _‘there’s no reason to add dirt and germs to perfectly good food’_.”

~

_Obito, age 21…_

He yelps, sound muffled by Rin’s hand and flails questioningly.

Rin puts a finger to her lips and points at the living room.

Peeking in, at first he doesn’t see it. The kids are playing quietly with Kakashi’s ninken while Anko snickers quietly to herself, and… _Oh._ Kakashi is asleep on his back with Idzuki lying on his chest, sleepily fiddling with the edge of his mask, and Mishiro and Kasai curled up fast asleep on either side of him, with their little heads pillowed on his stomach, lax hands loosely cupping tiny backs as if reassuring them even in his sleep.

Obito promptly activates his sharingan to record the landmark moment of Kakashi finally starting to succumb to the lure of his children. Well, okay, one of his and one of Obito’s. Still progress, right? He wishes there were a way to project sharingan memories onto a screen, because this is too adorable for words, and he wants to share it with _all of Kakashi’s friends._ Gai in particular would appreciate it, he’s sure.

Kakashi’s eyes slit open, pinning him with a glare overflowing with vile poison, the glimmer of red and black visible through pale lashes.

He eeps and hurriedly shuts off the sharingan, taking an involuntary step back. _Okay, so Kakashi’s nowhere near forgiving **him** yet._

Idzuki lifts her head curiously, gives him a look that clearly says _‘silly tou-san’_ , and resettles herself against Kakashi, clearly having no intention of moving off her beloved tou-san.

Honestly, Obito should be offended that his daughter clearly loves Kakashi more than she does him, but, well, he shares the infatuation and seeing them together always just makes him want to coo over how adorable they are. He’s not even surprised that Kasai gravitated to Kakashi at first chance, after all, the boy _is_ Obito’s son. Mishiro’s a bit of a shock, though. Obito had thought she was avoiding Kakashi. And while cute as a button, the girl is aloof and a bit shy as far as he can tell, twitching every time he goes to hug her or ruffle her hair. Somehow he doubts she’s going to be like that with Kakashi. Come to think of it, she unfairly resembles Kakashi at that age.

Actually, all the kids besides Idzuki and Kasai do. _In a few years…_ He shudders at the thought. The poor things are going to be beating off smitten Uchihas and hordes of fanboys and fangirls. In between dealing with catty jealousy, if they’re even half as smart as Kakashi was then.

_Oh kami, he needs to make plans to forestall the fanatic ones from doing something like talking his kids into signing a marriage contract while drunk! Or worse!_

He turns to Rin with a slightly frantic expression. “Rin, where did you put the files on the kids?”

_It wouldn’t be good if he accidentally pre-arranged a marriage for one of the kids with their own half-sibling, after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ojousan is ‘daughter’, but since Idzuki is so little yet, I substituted ‘chan’ for ‘san’.
> 
> Sofu is ‘grandfather’, but specifically refers to one’s own grandfather, not a random old person being called ‘grandfather’ politely or other people’s grandfathers. _(Since neither Obito nor Kakashi have living parents, Orochimaru thought it was fair enough to have her call him that.)_
> 
> Idzuki written as ‘sweet potato’ and ‘moon’. Because it struck me as hilarious when I saw it, the sort of thing Anko+Obito would think up as a name for their daughter. She is two. _(Apparently I forgot to figure in Anko’s age when figuring how old Kakashi would be for various things, so she had Idzuki at 16. Oops. Obito would’ve been 19, and probably getting hassled by his clan for only having one of his two extramarital required kids. Pretty sure Anko’s motive for agreeing to have Obito’s kid had to do with Obito promising she could have a kid or two with Kakashi too.)_ Biological parents: Anko and Obito.
> 
> Mishiro written as ‘beautiful’ and ‘white’. Looks like a mini-Kakashi, but with slightly rounder features. She is the oldest at four. _(The others are all two.)_ Biological parents: Kakashi and Obito.
> 
> Riyu written as ‘white jasmine’ and ‘evening’. She is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and ???
> 
> Akihide written as ‘white, clear’ and ‘excellence, beauty’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and Obito.
> 
> Hakuto written as ‘white’ and ‘woods, grove’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and ???
> 
> Shiroze written as ‘white’ and ‘swift current’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and ???
> 
> Kasai written as ‘flame’. Age 2. Biological parents: Obito and ???
> 
> Obito…doesn’t see the irony. _At all._ And…yet again, it doesn’t occur to him to run it past Kakashi first. _(Obito’s going to be bald before he’s thirty at this rate. Haha)_
> 
> I'm curious as to if you can correctly guess who the unnamed parents are _(or at least which clans (or where) they're from)._


	5. Mishiro snips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some snips of Mishiro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some kiddy cuteness and angst.

Mishiro, age 8…

Mishiro glowers at her teammates. _Even Obi kaa-san doesn’t pretend to be this dense._ “I can do it.”

Daiki, because Daiki is the second dumbest genin she’s ever met, ruffles her hair. “No, Shiro. We need to ask one of the girls to do it. You’re cute, but I don’t think even you could pass as a girl for long.”

_Okay, she knows some of the boys wear their hair long, and she hasn’t hit puberty yet, but **that’s** just insulting._ She sighs exaggeratedly, because that’s the only way to deal with idiots if one wants their attention for more than two seconds. “Shiro-chan _is_ a girl, Daiki-tan. Shiro-chan would like to know why Daiki-tan thinks otherwise?”

Both Kesao and Daiki gape at her, looking a little freaked out at her using third person. _And possibly at being informed that she’s a girl._

“Shiro-chan achieved excellent kunoichi scores. Shiro-chan _is_ a girl. And Shiro-chan knows _manners._ So Shiro-chan does not see why Shiro-chan cannot act the part of a young noble girl for the mission. Unless Shiro-chan’s teammates do not trust her?”

Kesao proves he’s only the sixth stupidest genin she’s encountered, by promptly paling a shade and sidling back a couple steps. “O-Of course we trust you, Shiro. Um, Shiro-chan.”

Daiki promptly vies for first place ‘stupids’ by squinting at her doubtfully. “No way. You’re a girl? Prove it!”

Mishiro gives him the look that deserves and says sweetly, “Haia Sensei, Daiki-tan wants to touch my breasts.”

She’s not in the _least_ sorry that this results in the Nara woman promptly spitting her tea all over herself. _Serves her right for not intervening._

Daiki turning red and blustering is equally deserved. _Idiot._

“B-Bu-But you’ve watched _us_ change! You _can’t do that_ if you’re a girl, Shiro!”

She sighs beleagueredly. “Shiro-chan has _two_ male parents and _four_ little brothers. It’s not like you have anything Shiro-chan hasn’t seen before. If it bothers you, I’ll look the other way, Daiki-tan.”

He pales, flushes, then turns mottled patches of pale and flushed, which looks interesting, if possibly painful, and sputters incoherently for a couple moments. “I-I-I- I’m a ninja! It doesn’t bother me at all!”

“Shiro-chan approves.” She tells him sweetly. _Apparently tou-san was right when he told her that she should save this way of talking for confusing people._ Once again, Kesao proves he’s the smarter of her two teammates by wisely keeping his mouth shut, although his expression is torn between appalled and trying not to fall over laughing.

_As well he should. Sofu Oro has been teaching her how to make **sashimi** out of idiots with just words. Even if she **does** have a **long** way to go before she’s half as good at it as he is._

~

Mishiro, age 5…

“So, you’re the girl your tou-san wants to marry to my Kiba?”

Mishiro blinks up at the rather feral looking woman standing over her with hands on her hips and a doubtful expression. It takes her a moment to recognize the woman as the Inuzuka Clan head, Tsume. Sofu Oro told her that Inuzukas are mannerless plebeians, but that she needs to be polite because they’re just as important to Konoha as every other clan.

“Tou-san?” That doesn’t seem like him at all. Then she remembers. “Obito kaa-san or Kakashi tou-san?”

Tsume snorts eloquently in amusement. “Obito.”

_That makes more sense._ She gives Tsume a polite little bow. “I’m sorry for the trouble my kaa-san has given you. He doesn’t actually have the right to arrange my marriage, though. Only tou-san can do that without my consent.”

“You don’t like my Kiba, eh?”

Mishiro gives her a startled look. “He’s…nice? I think. But Sofu Oro…um. And if he ate Anko-nee’s dango, she’d probably poison him.”

To her surprise, Tsume bellows with laughter. “Well, there’s no question that my idiot son wouldn’t be able to keep up with your _‘Sofu Oro’_ in a conversation, much less refrain from eating available food. Smart of you to pick a husband by if he can survive your family or not. Mine sure as hell couldn’t and he was _born_ an Inuzuka. The jackass.”

She ponders that, then nods. “Is he still alive?”

Tsume chortles and ruffles her hair. “Nope. And his teammates still can’t look me in the eye when they hem and haw over how he died. As if Clan head doesn’t get a written report in full of how a clan member dies on a mission? Yeah. Idiot got himself stabbed in the kidneys when he underpaid a civilian whore. Genin-level mistake.”

Mishiro gives her a slightly horrified look. “He _underpaid_ her? Didn’t he know that they make their living from that?”

“Oh, kid, I like you.” Tsume says in a fond tone. “I doubt he cared, quite honestly. If he’d been doing his clan duty I wouldn’t have cared, you know. But he just didn’t like that his wife was also his Clan head. Wanted to pretend _‘real women’_ are meek and brainless, and grateful for any attention he was willing to give them. I gave that poor woman enough to retire properly. She deserves it. You sure you don’t want to be my daughter-in-law? My Hana’s a smart girl.”

“Um.” She bites her lip in thought, then shakes her head. “Sorry, I don’t think I’m into girls.”

“Hm. Well, if you change your mind, let me know. And remember to take that pup of yours in for a checkup. Hana’s teacher said he’s due for one. You gotta be careful about that, particularly with the small breeds like him and the really big breeds.”

~

Mishiro, age 4…

Mishiro may be sulking a little. It’s been _two whole months!_ And they _still_ haven’t found a ninken to suit her. She knows it’s not tou-san’s fault. He’d gotten the Inuzuka to let her see if any of their ninken could be paired with her. And he’s taken her everywhere in the village where there’s dogs that he knows of. Even Obi kaa-san has gotten in on the act and started taking her to see litters of puppies that he’s somehow found out about.

She is _not_ crying. _She is not!_

She’s a big girl and she doesn’t want to make her parents feel _worse_ for not being able to find _her_ ninken. Sniffling a little, she wipes her face on tou-san’s hair and sits up a little straighter on his shoulders, determined that she’s going to be cheerful and _opmisic_ for the rest of the day.

“Hm. A priest?”

Mishiro perks up at the curiosity in tou-san’s voice. _What’s interesting about a priest? They have some priests in Konoha._ Oh, he has dark skin. She’s never seen anyone with that dark of skin before. The priest is bent over something, looking worried.

Tou-san eases through the crowd like there’s not lots of people jostling around, doing whatever, and very shortly, they are peering at it too.

“Oh! It’s a… um. Tou-san, is that a dog?”

The priest looks up in startlement.

“Good eye, ojou-chan. That’s a Lhasa Apso. They’re temple guard dogs up in Lightning. Priest-san, your bitch seems to be having some trouble giving birth. Would you like a hand?”

“Yes, please, ninja-san. I shouldn’t have brought her with me, but she refuses to be parted from me.”

Tou-san sets her down and starts running careful hands over the laboring dog’s belly. “Dogs are good judges of character.”

Mishiro doesn’t really understand what tou-san is doing to help the dog, but she watches in fascination anyways, stroking the little dog’s silky ears when she whines. She _loves_ the poor dog’s fur. It looks just like tou-san’s except it flops down instead of standing up funny angles. Tou-san sets aside a sad, still little white bundle that’s smeared in blood and isn’t breathing.

“Tou-san! Save it!”

“A little busy here, oujo-chan. If you want to try saving it, rub its ribs gently and quickly until it starts breathing.”

She hesitates, cuz the puppy is all sticky and icky, and it’s _so tiny_ she’s afraid she’ll mess up and hurt it.

“It’s okay, ninja-san’s daughter. All things die eventually. Some of them just die sooner.” The priest says quietly.

Drawing in a deep breath, she grabs the puppy and does her _very best_ to rub it like tou-san said to. It’s hard, cuz she’s _scared_ she’ll do it wrong and then it will be _her fault_ for not being able to save it and-

The puppy coughs, a teeny tiny sound, and starts breathing.

She bursts into tears and carefully cuddles it close as she watches tou-san finish saving the mama dog and the rest of her puppies. _Everything’s going to be alright now._

Except it isn’t. The mama dog sniffs at the puppy that she saved, and pushes it away and won’t let it drink.

And- And- _It’s terrible!_

“Tou-san, how come she won’t let him drink? He’s gonna _die_ if he doesn’t get food!”

“Saa…” Her tou-san looks like he really doesn’t want to let her know that he agrees with her.

“Excuse me, ninja-san. Am I wrong that you have a way to save the puppy if allowed?” The priest asks suddenly.

“Well, the Inuzuka would let us have milk for it, or find a dog willing to nurse it, I suppose.”

“Then I think this is fate. Your daughter seems very attached to the puppy already, and it wouldn’t be alive if she hadn’t saved it. So, please, take the puppy for her as repayment for your kind help in saving this one and her other puppies. I would hate to see the poor creature die when kami has granted it a chance to survive.” The priest’s dark face crinkles into a gentle smile, wiping away the worry that had been stuck to his expression since they met him.

Mishiro stares at her tou-san pleadingly. _Please, please, please! This is going to be the worst day **ever** if he says no and the puppy dies._

Tou-san hesitates, and she doesn’t know why, but her heart sinks and she has to work hard to not burst into tears again. _The puppy is going to die!_

“Deal. Mishiro’s been looking for a ninken, so kami must have heard her prayers, ne?” He picks up the puppy and hands it back to her. “Have a good day, priest-san. Ready to go, ojou-chan?”

“Yatta!”

_Best day ever!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Opmisic_ \- ‘optimistic’ She’s a smart four year old using a big word, haha.  
>  She named the puppy ‘Yuki’. Cuz he’s white.
> 
> Kid parentages:
> 
>   1. Idzuki written as ‘sweet potato’ and ‘moon’. Because it struck me as hilarious when I saw it, the sort of thing Anko+Obito would think up as a name for their daughter. She is two. _(Apparently I forgot to figure in Anko’s age when figuring how old Kakashi would be for various things, so she had Idzuki at 16. Oops. Obito would’ve been 19, and probably getting hassled by his clan for only having one of his two extramarital required kids. Pretty sure Anko’s motive for agreeing to have Obito’s kid had to do with Obito promising she could have a kid or two with Kakashi too.)_ Biological parents: Anko and Obito.
>   2. Mishiro written as ‘beautiful’ and ‘white’. Looks like a mini-Kakashi, but with slightly rounder features. She is the oldest at four. _(The others are all two.)_ Biological parents: Kakashi and Obito.
>   3. Riyu written as ‘white jasmine’ and ‘evening’. She is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and some Nara
>   4. Akihide written as ‘white, clear’ and ‘excellence, beauty’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and Obito.
>   5. Hakuto written as ‘white’ and ‘woods, grove’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and Hashirama Senju
>   6. Shiroze written as ‘white’ and ‘swift current’. He is two. Biological parents: Kakashi and Kiri water natured jounin
>   7. Kasai written as ‘flame’. Age 2. Biological parents: Obito and Kumo lightning nin
> 

> 
> Haia Nara- OC. Jounin sensei. She’s not lazy, but she likes to appear like she’s not paying attention and just idling around.  
>  Daiki- OC. One of Mishiro’s genin teammates, approx. four years older than her. He’s a nice guy, too blunt and straightforward because he doesn’t consider how people will take his words, not too bright about some things. Occasionally rubs Mishiro the wrong way by not really listening to her, or making assumptions about her skills because of her age. Since she’s 8 and skinny as a rail still, he initially assumes she’s a boy, despite her feminine name, which he promptly shortened to ‘Shiro’ and didn’t even remember after a couple days that she’d introduced herself as ‘Mishiro’. It’s a few months before he discovers otherwise.  
>  Kesao- OC. One of Mishiro’s genin teammates, also approx. four years older. Also a nice guy. He also assumes initially that she’s a boy, but he’s quicker on the uptake than Daiki and much faster to try to soothe over her temper if he’s at fault. He has a fair amount of respect for her skills, though he does worry about her age and size being a hindrance to her.
> 
> ‘-tan’ Yup. Mishiro’s being extremely insulting by addressing him that way, basically inferring he’s _being childish_ and she _doesn’t find it as cute as he intends_. (He’s not trying to be cute, it’s just an extra layer of insult.) If they were childhood friends, however, it wouldn’t actually be an insult, it would be more like an endearment, if a somewhat embarrassing one for him, since he’s no longer a small child.


	6. Kakashi finds out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi discovers Obito's plans for the kids. The kids make Obito suffer. Others suffer a bit too.

_Kakashi, age 21…_

He is…suspicious. For some reason it feels like the day has been filled with more cooing than usual over Riyu and Shiroze. And thoughtful looks, like they’re being sized up much like a head of cabbage. It’s not a pleasant suspicion to have on one of his infrequent days off.

It _could be_ , of course, that it’s simple coincidence and merely his paranoia talking.

Then again, it _might not._

He’s pretty sure the kids feel it too, since they’re still clinging to him even after arriving home. Still, he can’t discard the possibility that the kids were merely overwhelmed by the extra attention _(both tend to be shy)_ or even simply picking up on _his_ reaction. So it’s merely a _suspicion._ After all, he can’t think of any reason there would be behind it being _deliberate_.

Obito’s in a stupidly good mood, and Kakashi doesn’t want to be brushed off, so he just sits and cuddles his kids. Well, the two of them anyways. Hakuto and Akihide are roughhousing with Obito, Kasai is off with Anko somewhere, and Mishiro is…somewhere. Probably training with Yuki.

Or, at least, it’s only a suspicion until Mishiro comes home. She pauses, eyeing the tableau thoughtfully for a minute, then smiles sweetly in a way that raises the hair on the back of Kakashi’s neck and stalks over to Obito and kicks him hard enough that he yelps and flails, rolling around, clutching his shin.

“Shiro-chan would like to think her kaa-san has enough sense know that trying to pick a husband for Shiro-chan without _asking_ her first will just make Shiro-chan mad. Shiro-chan is _obviously_ smart enough to pick her own, after all. However, Shiro-chan sees she will be dis-a-ppointed in kaa-san because he obviously _doesn’t_. Shiro-chan had an interesting talk with the Inu-zuka Clan Head over an un-su-su-, over a bad match today. Shiro-chan will thank kaa-san to keep his nose out of her per-personal af-affairs, or she will be forced to kick kaa-san _harder_ if he met-met-”

“Meddles.” Kakashi offers mildly. She’s doing quite well with words she’s not entirely familiar with, but it would be a shame if she can’t finish her rant properly.

_“Meddles_ again.” Mishiro finishes.

“But- But- _Fanboys!_ ” Obito protests, as Kakashi watches in fascination. _The Uchiha obsession with blowing things up is definitely at work in this conversation. Unfortunate that Obito periodically forgets that he’s not supposed to include himself in what’s blown up. Conversationally, of course._ “What’s wrong with Kiba? He likes dogs! And his clan is strong. _And fanboys._ I thought you’d _like_ having Tsume as your mother-in-law!”

_Oh boy._

Kakashi isn’t the least surprised when Akihide and Hakuto desert Obito to climb on the couch and join in watching the train wreck in progress. _Train wrecks. He’s heard those are nasty._ They’ve inherited _his_ intelligence, after all.

He’s even _less_ surprised when Mishiro’s eyes flash dangerously and she raises three fingers ominously.

“Shiro-chan would like to point out to Obito kaa-san that he has overlooked the obvious. First, only Shiro-chan’s Clan head has the authority to make marriage arrangements for Shiro-chan without asking first. Shiro-chan’s Clan head is tou-san, not kaa-san.” She folds down one finger, showing she’s finished her point. “Second, Shiro-chan has nothing against Kiba-san or Tsume-sama, but Shiro-chan _is_ related to Sofu Oro and Anko nee-chan. Does Shiro-chan need to say more on that?” Obito blanches and shakes his head frantically. Mishiro huffs and folds down the second finger. “Third, Shiro-chan is very, very angry that Obito kaa-san thinks so little of her that he thinks she cannot handle a few _fanboys_. That he thinks she is _stupid_ enough to not be able to find someone to love without help. And that he has so little respect for her that she has to find this out by having a _stranger_ ask her about the matter. Shiro-chan is very, very _disap-pointed_ in Obito kaa-san right now.”

She folds down the last finger and apparently satisfied at reducing Obito to a whimpering ball of misery and remorse, stalks off to the kitchen majestically.

Kakashi waits until Obito snaps out of bemoaning to himself that his daughter despises him now before he asks casually, “I don’t suppose this has _anything_ to do with why Riyu and Shiroze were the recipients of _overly attentive_ attention from the head families of a couple of Konoha’s clans today, _would_ it? Maa, maa, _of course_ that couldn’t be it, _ne?_ Surely my _darling spouse_ wouldn’t forget to mention his concerns to me and _go behind my back_ to arrange such important matters.”

It brings him great joy to see Obito’s face spasm in realization and horror. _He’s so glad Mishiro cleared this little matter up for him before it could become a serious issue between clans._

“Of- Of course not!” Obito flails some more, because that’s his go-to when caught out. “I- I- wouldn’t do that. Of course not! Um. _I’ll just go cancel the arrangements now and apologize!_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

_Moron._

“Bad Obi-kaa.” Shiroze opines.

“Kaa-fan is _twoublefome_.” Riyu says with a dramatic sigh and snuggles closer. _‘Troublesome’? Kami, that’s **genetic**?_

“Tubblefum.” Hakuto agrees, echoing her and nodding his head. _Wait, it’s contagious?_

“Ba’ saa-san.” Akihide adds, copying Shiroze instead. He lacks his sibling’s trouble with ‘r’ and ‘s’, but has issues with hard sounds like ‘d’ and ‘k’.

Kakashi gives him an overly innocent eye-smile just to see him squirm as he droops into a heap of self-pity. “‘Fanboys’? Really?”

“Whaaat!? They look just like _you!_ And you practically had to beat fangirls off with a _stick!”_ Obito wails.

_Uchiha selective hallucination of reality strikes again._ Although…that _could_ be just Obito, he supposes.

“Correction. If I _had_ any fangirls or fanboys, they were too intimidated to get close enough for me to need a stick.”

“But- But-! Rin!”

Kakashi stares at him a long moment, then slowly bangs his head against the back of the couch a few times in utter disbelief before giving Obito the _‘you moron’_ glare that deserves. “Rin. Likes _older guys._ She _always has._ Admiring my ability to surpass her _moronic best friend_ does not, in any stretch of the imagination, equate to being my _fangirl._ You should probably apologize to her _first._ ”

“Hey!”

“Wiyu tell Win-nee?” Riyu asks helpfully.

Obito deflates without protesting being called ‘moronic’. “You wouldn’t be that cruel to your kaa-san, would you, Riyu?”

Riyu thinks about it, then nods. “Yeff. Kaa-san should say sowwy to Win-nee fiwst. Ow’ Wiyu tell. No be twoublefome, kaa-san.”

“Tubblefum!” Hakuto agrees in a pleased tone, obviously having lost the thread of the conversation but happily adding in anyways. _His kids are so cute._

“I’m sure you can have this all settled before dinner, ne?” Kakashi asks. Well, orders. Because _honestly?_ This is a fuck-up even by Obito-oblivious standards. _Even if the ‘fanboys’ as a reason was kind of hilarious. Did he **really** think Mishiro would accept that kind of reasoning?_

_Besides, Obito should be grateful that Mishiro’s the older one. She lacks Riyu’s newly revealed sadistic streak._ He wonders which parent Riyu gets that from. Him? Or the Nara side? Eh. Could be either. Or both. Then again, it could be from having Anko as an example. Or Orochimaru. Or…maybe he should just quit thinking about it. At least he knows she comes by it honestly.

~

_Rin, age 22…_

She walks in, shaking her head, then freezes as she sees the slightly scary smile plastered on Kakashi’s face under the mask, where he’s dozing with Riyu sleeping across his lap and Hakuto sprawled at his feet while Akihide and Shiroze are playing a quiet game of tag.

“Kakashi, do you have any idea why Obito apologized to me about fifteen times without explaining why?”

He opens his eyes slightly, the smile turning more amused and genuine. “Did you know that moron thought you were my fangirl?”

Rin pauses, then rolls her eyes. “You mean he _still_ hadn’t figured that out? What did he do besides that?” _That smile was definitely not a product of Obito’s long term delusion on her preferences._

“Oh…you know. Just arrange engagements for Riyu, Shiroze, and Mishiro without asking them or mentioning it to me.”

_Now that…_ “Wow.”

_No wonder he’d been limping slightly._ She loves Obito. He’s her best friend. But... _Wow. Just wow._

~

_Genma, age 24..._

Genma contemplates the Uchiha crying into his drink at the bar for several minutes before he sighs. Obito’s so relentlessly cheerful that it’s hard to remember how wussy he is when it comes to Kakashi or the kids being angry at him. It must be _both_ this time, because even when Kakashi had found out about the kids, Obito had only been sniffly into his drink, not literally sobbing.

It’s pretty disturbing, honestly.

The bar stools are empty on either side of the younger man because _no one_ wants to get near _that_ , in case it’s contagious or just on the possibility that they might get cried on.

No surprise there. The problem is that he’s fairly sure Obito’s past his limit two drinks ago, and it’s not _Obito_ Kakashi and Rin will be angry at if he passes out in the bar and doesn’t get home. _No, of course not._ That would be whichever poor souls they decide to blame for not taking care of him. Even Anko might get pissy about it.

Not that he’s scared of Kakashi or Anko, he’s just… _highly respectful_ of the medic’s ability to _educate_ those who don’t take her opinion on her patients’ care seriously. It’s a perfectly legitimate concern. Ask anyone.

He trades glances with Raido, then heaves himself to his feet. Between the two of them, it shouldn’t be _that_ hard to get a single drunk home in one piece.

_Probably._

~

_Anko, age 20…_

Anko opens the door and promptly tries to shut it again.

_Too late._

Obito, unconscious and reeking of sake, face covered with half-dried snot and tears, is dropped into her arms. She gives Genma and Raido a look that promises retaliation in the near future. Bloody, vicious retaliation. “I’ll remember this, you bastards.”

“Maa, maa. Just remember to tell Rin we brought him home from the bar without a scratch.” Genma drawls, looking unforgivably unconcerned. _He’s going down._ Later though. When she doesn’t have an Obito snot-slug stuck face first between her breasts. _Speaking of which, guess who’s never going to be allowed to live this down for the rest of his life?_

_Snot! On her favorite mesh shirt!_

“Tell her that he went through half a bottle of high-proof sake on his own.” Raido adds, although at least there’s a _flicker_ of wariness at her threat.

Anko blanches. _She’s heard one too many of Rin’s lectures on the bad things that could possibly happen if Obito goes over his limit too far, okay? And half a bottle is about twice as much as he normally manages before passing out._ Having to shower snot off is one thing, possibly having to explain to Rin why he went into convulsions on her watch is another entirely. _Medics are scary._

“Kakashi! Rin!” She bellows, paying no attention at all as Raido gently closes the door and the pair leave before they can get dragged into the mess they brought home.

_No way in hell is she taking the blame for this!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, because Obito is an Uchiha (despite being married to Kakashi) it’s considered _very ill-done_ of him to arrange marriages for the Hatake kids without getting permission from Kakashi (aka, the Hatake Clan head) first. Those who agreed to it were not aware that Kakashi had not approved it. Obito _is_ actually aware of this, he just…forgot. Or more like, it never crossed his mind. Kakashi _might_ have gone along with it if Obito had run it by him first, but he’s _very unhappy_ about being left out of the decision process _yet again_.
> 
> The kids are three (Mishiro’s five), so they’re not catching the entire conversation’s significance, and they’re still having pronunciation issues because they just haven’t figured out how to pronounce things properly quite yet. Riyu’s understanding the most other than Mishiro, and her vocabulary is also more advanced than that of the boys’.
> 
> Rin is amused by Obito thinking she was ever Kakashi’s fangirl, but she’s actually aware of it to begin with. She’s considerably less amused by Obito forgetting to get permission _again._ Because she understands how hurtful this is to Kakashi.
> 
> Also, Mishiro is deliberately using third-person to freak Obito out. _Who says she lacks a sadistic streak?_ But at least she’s upfront about it. Riyu’s already showing signs of being a long-term planner about such things; at least, that’s how Kakashi is interpreting it. Between the two of them, Obito’s pretty much lost the will to live for the moment, haha. But he _does_ remember how angry Kakashi was last time and isn’t _quite_ so lacking in self-preservation as to annoy him further.
> 
> More specifically, medics in general aside, as far as they’re all concerned _Rin_ is scary. She’s gotten extremely _intense_ about her medical responsibilities what with all her teammates have put her through by way of almost dying more than once during the war. She’s really good at the _‘I will end you if you so much as **breathe** wrong’_ vibe when she feels like it. While she did spend most of the tail end of the war in Konoha, unlike her teammates she was capable of being sent out to the front lines, so she saw some action. And inadvertently created a reputation for herself. As a competent and _very scary_ medic. More for her attitude and willingness to back up her irritation than her actual fighting skill, however. She’s just as terrifying in Konoha as in the field. That she’s a very sweet person in general somehow manages to make it scarier.  
>  While she didn’t become Tsunade’s apprentice, she is friends with her, and tends to get sent in on the hard-to-make-behave cases when Tsunade’s busy. She’s only had to back up threats a couple times since the end of the war.
> 
> Incidentally, Anko’s totally cool about it if the kids do something like getting snot or worse all over her, but that’s because she expects that from young kids. She’s much less okay with someone over the age of seven doing it, though. She’ll make Obito suffer later. _And possibly start a prank war with Genma._


End file.
